Best Of Bedhead: JoEllen’s Favorite Pieces on Sex, Mental Health, & More
Since 2012 I’ve been writing about sex, mental health, and how none of us are broken. Now I’ve put the best of my work (or maybe it’s just my favorites?) all in one place. The posts listed here span my sex writing career and this page will continue to grow as I publish my year-end Best of list. Want some non-writing content? Check out my podcast and video appearances!
I have broken the posts up into 6 categories. You can scroll through the entire page or use the menu below to go right to the topic of your choice.
Where do you want to go?
Doing The Sex ★ Dating, Hooking Up & More ★ Sex Toys, Products, & Shops
Sex & Depression ★ Deep Breaths, Big Feels ★ Getting Riled Up
Doing The Sex
These are posts devoted to sex. In some cases that means they will teach you new was to bone, in other cases, you’ll be invited to explore your beliefs or behaviors in the bedroom. Either way, every single post here is about getting down and getting sexy.
Stuck in a Moment: Stop having bad sex in the name of not ruining the sex
A lot of folks are enduring sex they don’t enjoy because they don’t want to “ruin the moment” and that’s silly. Let’s stop doing that, please.
Cherry Picking: Let’s Rethink Virginity
I spent years embarrassed by my virginity and them more years feeling weird about how I “lost” it. Then I realized it wasn’t me that was wrong, it was the concept of virginity.
Think “If you’re not sure you’ve had an orgasm, you haven’t”? Shut up.
In a world devoid of open, frank sex education and full of media depictions of screaming orgasms it’s no wonder folks aren’t always sure- I hate when folks are jerks about it
If Anal Sex Makes You Gay Do Tacos Make You Mexican?
Talking activity, orientation and how it gets problematic when people mix those things up. And also there are tacos.
PS: The Female Sex Hotspot You Haven’t Heard of … Yet, Kinkly.com
I have a body part fixation. Kinkly let me write about the focus of said fixation.
Talking About the Cervix (without pregnancy or cancer)
I tried to learn about my cervix and couldn’t find anything that wasn’t about pregnancy or cancer. So I wrote something. Also, fun pictures of things that look like the cervix.
Everyone Makes This HUGE Mistake in BED!!!
I threw down on sexual insecurity link-bait style! This piece was super fun.
Hand Jobs for Grown Ups, Kinkly.com
Tired of hearing hand jobs dismissed as “sad”, I set out to bring manual sex the attention it deserves.
5 Ways Tumblr Porn Can Revolutionize Your Sex Life
I share one of my favorite secrets for really hot sex- Tumblr porn.
You’re Doing It Wrong!!! 4 Ways to Mess Up Masturbation
I wrote about some stuff that can make masturbation less-than-pleasureable.
6 Signs That You Are Having Great Sex, Kinkly.com
The media likes to lay out arbitrary sex goals, milestones and achievements that may not work for everyone. I have a different idea about what “good” sex looks like.
On The Other Hand: Remembering That Masturbation Isn’t Mandatory, Kinkly.com
Nothing gets under my skin quite like sex positivity that implies sex (any kind of sex) is mandatory. Last “Masturbation May” I got to thinking about the pressure that comes with the relentless positioning of masturbation as awesome/fun/healthy/the best, because, like anything, it might not be everyone’s jam. And that’s okay too.
6 Ways to Feel Better about Your Body in Bed, Kinkly.com
After a year of health weirdness and some misadventures with meds, I had gained a considerable amount of weight and was feeling WAYS about it. I was also visiting Curvy Girl Sex author Elle Chase. So, this piece happened. Also, I deeply appreciate Kinkly for giving me a place to turn when ideas like this pop up.
Go Deep! The 8 Best Sex Positions for Deep Penetration, Kinkly.com
So, yeah, I like deep boning. I just do. I decided to share my accumulated “balls deep” wisdom with the world. What cracks me up about this one is that it apparently ended up getting a HUGE amount of traffic. I know it’s (kind of randomly, I think) all over Pinterest. When it was blowing up I kept thinking “So, sex, mental health, how none of us are broken and super deep dicking?”
4 Tips for Making Sexual New Year’s Resolutions
At the start of 2020 (when we didn’t yet know what that year would hold) I thought about new years resolutions, sexual goal setting and how we can navigate those things. Whether declaring that this is the year you find your g-spot, or deciding that you WILL visit a swingers club in 2020, or making literally any other resolution that includes sex, there are some important things to think about. Resolutions should feel good and you should feel good following through on the, but all too often, we are influenced by what others are doing or what we think we’re “supposed to” want
Dating, Hooking Up, and More
Dating, Slut Shaming & the Post-Coital Fist Bump
In 2012 I was having a lot of sex and learned that there’s no shortage of people who will shame you for the sex they just enjoyed having with you. I called for a change and then proceeded to fist bump sexual partners for most of the next year.
FWB without WTF – 5 Keys to Successful Friends With Benefits Relationships
I got a question from a reader about how to make friends with benefits sex work and I happened to be in an amazing FWB situation of my own (with someone I still see!) and this post was born.
When Your Partner Sleeps With Someone Else – And It Makes You Happy, Kinkly.com
Kinkly gave me the opportunity to write about compersion and I learned that people were desperate to discuss compersion in a mainstream setting!
5 Tips For Being A (Kind & Classy) Casual Sex Rock Star
I’ve long had strong feelings about this weird thing people do where they decide “sex with no strings” = “sex with no acting like a decent human being” and this year I got to put together a fun piece that incorporated things I’ve been saying for YEARS (in classes, in old and not-as-good pieces) and made liberal use of GIFs because we can be silly while we learn.
Make Your Home A Sexy Haven (without buying stuff)
After years of writing stuff that told people which products to buy to enhance their sex lives as well as months trapped in my apartment due to pandemic lockdowns, I thought about ways to make spaces sexier that don’t involve buying stuff.
Sex Toys, Products, and Shops
Over the course of my career I have toured sex shops, reviewed toys, and discovered a ton of great products. Here are the best of my posts talking about them!
Why Good Sex Shops Matter
This piece was born after an afternoon that saw me stop by a sketchy sex shop after spending some time at my beloved Good Vibrations (Something I miss about living in Boston? Just hanging out at Good Vibes). The response to this piece was awesome and was the inspiration for the Superhero Sex Shop Tour.
iGino One – Resentful Orgasms & Dancing Vibrators
The toy was bad but the review features a dancing vibrator, Jersey Shore references and the phrase “resentful orgasm”
Dildos, We-Vibes and Canadian Airport Security
This was my first (Of, as it turned out, many) run-in with TSA and sex toys & still my best story… well maybe tied with LAX…we’ll talk about that one day.
The Fun Factory Stronic Drei- A Reason Not to Get Out of Bed in The Morning
My favorite toy of the year, my favorite review of the year. Also, I talk about anal sex and the Stanley Cup in the same sentence.
I Tried a Product Everyone’s Mocking- My Take on Scroguard
The industry greeted the Scroguard by immediately embarking on a mission to out-joke each other about it. I think the idea (if not the execution) is solid. Here’s why.
Review: Magic Wand Rechargeable – Cut the Cord
When I first heard about the new version of this classic favorite, I was skeptical. Then I tried it.
The Big Reveal: Meeting Your Partner’s Sex Toy, Kinkly.com
We constantly tell toy owners what to do to make toys less threatening for their (let’s face it, usually male) partners, but we never give partners any tips for not being douchebags in the situation. I fixed that!
The Womanizer Doesn’t Work For Me (And It’s Important To Talk About That)
You can’t swing a flogger without hitting someone raving about the wonder of the Womanizer and amid the frenzy there’s a lot of talk of how it “works for everyone!”, “cures anorgasmia!”, but it didn’t work for me at all. I know enough to know that doesn’t mean something is wrong with me, but, what about folks who don’t? What about the people who read about the miracle toy that can get an orgasm out of a stone and become convinced something is wrong with them? I wrote this one because everyone should know they aren’t broken.
5 Things to Know When the (So-Called) Best Sex Toy Doesn’t Work for You, Kinkly.com
Born partially out of my yearly bout of crankiness upon seeing bloggers declare toys they like to be the “best” and nudged into existence by a colleague’s panicked tweet when a toy didn’t work for them, this one had some strong feelings behind it.
The Toys I Actually Use or “Hey look, wands!”
This one holds several places in my heart. Obviously it is a love letter to my favorite kind of toy, and less obviously it is a post I had been thinking about writing for YEARS but what it really is is something much bigger. I wrote this when my new medication started working. This post represents the first time I wanted to work in months. It was a BIG effing deal.
Good Sex Shops: The “How” Is As Important As The “What”
So, clearly, I have pretty long-standing strong feelings about what makes a “good” sex shop. Also, my work puts me in contact with a lot of people who are pretty sure they are killing it when they… well, aren’t. Thus this piece about how a sex shop’s quality is dictated by the “how” as much as the “what”.
There is No Reason to Gender Sex Toys Parts 1 & 2
When multiple clients approached me for sponsored posts with gendered anchor text (words that contain links like this: “Find out why JoEllen is awesome!”) I seized the opportunity to knock another idea off my sex blogging bucket list and the result was my two-part series on the ridiculousness of gendering sex toys!
Killing The Mood: My Favorite Not-At-All-Sexy Uses For Sex Products
I’ve joked about the possibility of this piece for legitimately YEARS. I tend to employ a ton of sex products for not-at-all sexy purposes in my house. It was fun to finally share them en masse.
Relieve Sinus Pain & Pressure with a Bullet Vibe!
Every year I post to twitter about the wonder of using a bullet vibe to relieve sinus pain and pressure. Last year I had more people than ever reply saying that my post had inspired them to go hunt down instructions for bullet vibe sinus clearing. So, this year I decided to take some of the work out of the whole thing by making those instructions available right here on redheadbedhead.com!
Welcome to my Lube Buffet- The (many) Lubricants on my Nightstand
I have really strong feelings about lube. My nightstand is typically home to an assortment of lubes. This post explains what they are and why each one is there. Plus it give my top recommendations for each type of lube as well as some fun lube-related accessories.
Want to Have a Sex Toy Sale? Here’s How I Did It!
2020 was financially devastating for me (and a lot of other folks) and then I decided to make some huge life changes. This resulted in me needing to get rid of some stuff and hopefully raise some money while I did it. After my monster sex toy sale was a huge success, I decided to outline how I did it in case other folks wanted to do the same.
Sex and Depression
The impact of depression on sexual function and relationships is my favorite topic. These posts talk about what depression can do to our love lives, how to navigate it, and even how to be a bit more mental health aware.
The Time Celexa Ate My Brain
The sex and depression piece that started it all. After I talked about my sexual side effects, a lot of people started talking to me about theirs.
It’s Not You: 4 Signs Your Partner’s Too Depressed to Have Sex, Kinkly.com
The relationship between sex and depression is a topic that is close to my heart- This piece showed that a lot of folks feel the same way.
5 Ways to Stay Sex Positive When You’re Dealing With Depression
Sometimes depression can suck the sexy right out of you which can be even more depressing. I have some ideas for dealing with that.
Calling People “Crazy” is Lazy, Do This Instead!
Trash talking frequently veers into ableism with folks declaring the target of their ire “bonkers”, “nuts”, “insane”, “schizo” and, of course, the classic “crazy”. Not only is this ableist AF, it’s not even good trash talk! Let’s fix that!
Sex When You’re Depressed- Don’t “Just Do It”
It’s awesome when people talk about depression- it’s less awesome when articles tell people with depression & low libido to “just do it”. I offered a different perspective.
5 Tips For Writing About Sex & Depression
Sex and depression went viral and I shared some thoughts about writing on the topic responsibly.
Self Care For When You’re Feeling Not At All Sexy
When we feel gross it can be hard to treat ourselves well. I’ve got some strategies.
What Mentally Ill Looks Like
I got tired of angry dudes with guns being the face of mental illness so I decided to show folks what else mentally ill can look like.
Let’s Talk About Sex And Depression, bitchmedia
I talk women, sex, depression & my first-of-its-kind survey for Bitch Media.
5 Steps To Take When Your Partner Is Dealing With Depression
In 2016, all roads led back to this post. It was syndicated by multiple outlets, the topic shaped the second round of sex and depression interviews (as well as this year’s Monster Under the Bed session at Woodhull), and it expanded the scope of my entire sex and depression project. Also, it’s got some great tips for when your partner’s dealing with depression.
All The
Times I Should Have Left My Terrible Therapist
Early in the year I found myself thinking about the same time of year in 2011 and all the revelations I was having at the time (it was when I started figuring out I wasn’t happy in my marriage). Remembering that brought up a bunch of memories involving my old, terrible therapist and it occurred to me that talking about that might help others avoid terrible therapists.
6 Ways To Make Your World More Mental Illness Friendly
So, I really stopped using Facebook this year and a big part of why is how BRUTAL the community I used to spend a lot of my time with was. So much thoughtless horrid judgment flung around constantly (they love to play “let’s analyze who gets to have a service animal according to us- we know ALL THE RULES!!”). It got me thinking of ways we unintentionally (because, yes, I know, it’s unintentional but it doesn’t actually matter) make each other’s lives worse and how we could stop doing that
How to cope when your partner has depression, BBC3
I wrote about keeping a relationship alive when one partner has depression. Okay, fine, I do that a lot. But did I mention that this time I did it for the bloody BBC?! Yep, I basically hung out with Doctor Who and Mary Berry. Totally how it happened.
4 things we really need to stop saying (and believing) about depression and sex, Metro UK
Because I wrote this one for a British outlet (Metro UK) I’m going to use an expression I picked up from Girl on the Net to describe it: In this piece I address some of my biggest bugbears when it comes to talking about depression and sex. It started off as me venting about stuff we need to stop saying but all of these points have gone on to grow into bigger pieces of work for me.
Sex and Depression: A Sex Educator Explores Her Own Diagnosis, OC87 Recovery Diaries
This one is special/brutal/difficult/wonderful. Early in the year I got a message from a college friend who now works for a wonderful site called OC87 Recovery Diaries. This piece was the result of that message. I also wrote this piece when I was firmly entrenched in this year’s depressive episode and being poorly treated (bad meds, I was sleeping 14-16 hours a day). This is one of the most honest things I’ve ever written about my own personal depression experience.
5 Tips For Writing When Your Brain Doesn’t Want To
I really struggled with where this post belongs on this list and I chose the “depression” category because that’s what inspired it. This post had been bopping around my head for years before I finally wrote it in 2018. I know so many of us struggle with health (both mental and physical) issues and this piece gave me a chance to share some of my favorite strategies for writing when my brain decides it’s not so into it.
Okay, So Let’s Talk About Exercise & Depression
It seems like we see a surge of “exercise CURES depression!!!!” articles at least once a year. The one that hit in the beginning of 2019 inspired me to finally take the time to break down the exercise/depression relationship. It is so much more complicated than “hit the gym, end depression” and we really need to acknowledge that.
When You’re Depressed and Doctors Aren’t Great, What Do You Do?
So, this one was interesting. This piece was inspired by my 2018 doctor purge and I wrote it as I transitioned to a new doctor. Then, by the time it was published I had figured out that the new doctor wasn’t working out and was struggling with that. So, in the end, a piece I wrote in the hopes of helping others feel empowered to take control of their medical care ended up being exactly what I needed to hear.
When a Sex Writer Doesn’t Want to Have Sex or Write
This year has been, frankly, brutal. When I found myself with little interest in sex and writing, I thought of friends and colleagues who I know have felt the same. I remembered listening to some of them talk about their fear that if anyone knew they would be judged harshly and I decided to test that theory. Honestly, though, I wrote this one so that, should any of you find yourself feeling like I’ve felt, you will know you are not alone.
Deep Breaths, Big Feels
Here you’ll find posts that feature me bearing my soul. These posts are all full of big feels and required me to take a deep breath before clicking “publish”.
Come No Closer: Sex is how I keep people away from me
I went through a phase where I used sex as armor in my quest to avoid commitment, expectations, feelings, and any of the other trappings of romantic interactions.
Sex, Surfing and Being a Badass
I surf, I have sex, I’m pretty badass. This all came together the year my life fell apart.
Love in the Time of Facebook: Someone Didn’t Die & I Hesitated to “Like” It
My behavior in the wake of a tragedy caused to examine relationships, fear, and my own neuroses.
What I Learned on The Superhero Sex Shop Tour (& Thank You Notes)
In 2013 I traveled North America visiting its best sex shops. The leg of the tour that crossed the continent taking me through Toronto, Chicago, Milwaukee, Madison, and Minneapolis was particularly meaningful to me and I wrote this when I landed in Portland OR.
The Red Sox Win The World Series & I, Once Again, Remember I Come From Hardy Stock
The one that has nothing to do with sex. My homes tend to get destroyed. Bombs, terrorists, hurricanes, whatever. Here’s what they taught me about getting back up.
22 Things I’ve Thought About in the Days Since the UCSB Shooting
The shooting spree at UCSB hit me hard. First I got sad and then I got riled up and this is what came out of that.
15 Signs That You’re In an Emotionally Abusive Relationship, Kinkly.com
Abusive relationships can be hard to spot… sometimes even to the people who are in them. I came up with this list of signs to look out for.
5 Tips For Walking Away From An Emotionally Abusive Relationship, Kinkly.com
Leaving an emotionally abusive partner can be difficult, I have some tips to make it a bit more manageable.
Ending My Unhealthy Relationship
I spent a year accepting that my last relationship was emotionally abusive. I wanted to share that with you, because it can happen to anyone.
Raising My Voice As Quietly As Possible – Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit
After a months of medical stuff and isolation I headed to Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit to talk about sex and depression. It was pretty amazing.
Starting the Conversation – #SFSMonster at Woodhull
I went into the very first Monster Under the Bed presentation at the Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit in 2015 with a lot of doubt and fear. I received a response that was more than I had ever thought possible
Seeing Ourselves in Marvel’s Jessica Jones
Jessica Jones helped me finally get that abuse can happen to anyone. Even a superhero.
An Embarrassment of Riches- Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit 2016
in 2016 at Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit there was so much that I was proud of! I got to host an opening night event aimed at, well, people like me, I spoke on a panel about business practices that was entirely populated by women (with two of my favorite colleagues), and The Monster Under The Bed ended up trending on twitter – also, we had a great session featuring fabulous, insightful, brave, compassionate, freaking wonderful attendees. The title of the post doesn’t lie.
When I Chose To Live – I Spent 3 Days Suicidal
Then this happened. An unfortunate medication change coincided with all of this year’s pressures reaching their zenith and I ended up in a place I’d never been before.
What Apartment Hunting Taught Me About Relationships
That time I learned how things I do to make myself accommodating and unobtrusive actually do the opposite and that letting people help is more than okay, sometimes it’s their job.
JoEllen’s 2016 Favorite Things!
This may seem like an odd choice but my decision to veer from the usual list-of-10-toys format turned 2016’s post into something very, very different, something that meant a lot to me, and something that, in the end, I’m quite proud of.
Dildos, Depression,Touring, and Teaching: 5 Years of The Redhead Bedhead
My baby turned 5, my experiment turned into a career. I tell the story of how it all started (it’s a big story that gets sad for a bit, brace yourself) and what The Redhead Bedhead means to me. Also, LOTS of pictures.
We Get to Be Where We Are: My Trip to the Guelph Sexuality Conference
I went to a conference while struggling (unsuccessfully) to get a depressive episode under control and saw just how easily depression can suck the joy out of things I love. I came home and reflected on the experience of showing up as an alter-ego instead of a superhero.
SHUT IT DOWN: Why I (Legit) HATE Valentine’s Day
I’ve always had a complicated relationship with Valentine’s Day. In 2018 I decided to write about it and ended up actually understanding it, possibly for the first time. Also, so many Liz Lemon gifs!
Nonmonogamy, Sex Writing, and My Family: Reflecting on Love, Luck, & Acceptance
Most of my 2018 was spent preparing for a wedding that saw my whole family together for the first time in years. It inspired this piece about my great luck in having a family who supports me as I am and never required that I hide my sex writing or nonmonogamy.
Getting Riled Up
These posts all feature me getting all riled up over stuff. Sometimes that means I was angry and other times it just means I had something I felt like you really, really, needed to know.
Burning Bush: Does Pubic Hair Have to be a Hot Button Issue?
Born out of me asking my newly-minted sex blogger self “what do sex bloggers write about?”, this piece still — six years later– holds a place in my heart.
Abortion Exceptions Are Bullshit
The time I got really, really real about what politicians are really doing when they debate who they will allow to have an abortion.
Steubenville, Bullying and Culture of Rape
Watching the Steubenville case unfold I was reminded of another high-profile student-athlete rape case from 20 years early and left to wonder if a culture that supports bullies is a culture that creates rapists.
Sex Positivity, Autonomy, and Why I Don’t Sleep With Women
Sick of the expectation that all sex positive women be bisexual (or at least willing to make out for the amusement of men), I addressed my sexual orientation.
Stop Saying Friend Zone, That’s Not a Thing.
After seeing a gentleman warn men about the hazards of being “too nice” I got all riled up and took on the “Friend zone”
The How I Met Your Mother Finale Forgot the Rules About “The One”
I had surprisingly strong feelings about How I Met Your Mother’s series finale and what it actually has to teach us about society’s obsession with “The One”.
F*ck Yeah! Talking About Consent
After watching a community grapple with consent, not get it and then turn it into a snarky punchline, I laid some shit out.
Condoms, Cancer & Scare Tactics – How One Company Is Using Fear to Sell
Sustain sounded like a great new condom company… until you noticed that they were misusing information from a faux study to tell people their competitor’s condoms cause cancer.
Won’t Work For Free (Or Condoms)
Someone asked me to do a considerable amount of work in exchange for condoms. Here’s how that went.
Surviving A Bully (When You’re 35)
Two years after a bully almost scared me out of my profession I finally saw the situation for what it was. Then I was able to see the lessons in the whole thing, write about them, add some fun gifs, and create one of my all-time favorite posts.
Stop Calling These Things “Porn for Women” (Or Anyone)
People think it’s cute to declare chocolate, rom-coms, HGTV, shoes, pictures of men cleaning, etc “porn for women” but you know what porn for women looks like? Naked people fucking.
Here’s The Thing About “Porn Sex” vs “Real Sex”
Well-meaning people sometimes try to lessen the intimidation people feel in the face of pornography by talking about how it’s nothing like “real” sex or how no one “really” does that! Etc. So, where does that leave folks who like their sex, well, porn-y? This also holds the distinction of being the piece in which I talk most graphically about my own sex life.
“Sexual” Does Not Necessarily Mean “Boisterous”
Something I have struggled with for YEARS is feeling like I am too quiet/introverted/unfun to really fit in here in sex world. Writing this piece for Spectrum Boutique was a great opportunity to explore those feelings, reassure myself and anyone else who feels as I do, and (in a surprising twist), learn that even the folks who seem like big loud beacons of sexiness struggle with the same feelings I do.
Comfort Media: 12 Series & 1 Podcast to Soothe Your Socially Isolated Mind
Sometimes we fall into the trap of thinking that when things are bad and scary, everything we do must be super helpful and important but I really do think its important to take time to unwind and soothe our troubled minds. That’s why, when the world shut down in March 2020, I made a list of my favorite comforting media. Is this a feat of amazing writing? No. But I still love it.
You’re Still You: Remembering sexuality is not dictated by how much sex you are having
As lockdown dragged on in 2020, I saw a lot of folks struggling with online: the feeling that not having a lot of (or maybe any) sex was messing with their self image so I spent some time talking about how, contrary to popular belief, not wanting or having a lot of sex (especially during unprecedentedly stressful times) doesn’t change who you are. No one will take your “sexual person” card away.
When Crisis Brings Clarity: The Unexpected Way 2020 Changed My Life
After YEARS in a depressive episode and no end in sight, 2020 almost broke me. Then I got a new treatment that gave me enough of a boost to see how my life needed to change.
Now is Not the Time: Taking Space to Heal (Even When My Brain Objects)
I entered 2021 with some big plans. Then tragedy struck and I had to accept that I need to take some time to let myself heal rather than pushing myself to do all the things.
