It’s that time again- time for Doin’ it to the Beat! My ridiculous online dating adventure got me thinking about the importance of knowing exactly what I do and do not want in my in my dating life and so today we’re looking at 5 songs from ladies who have no problem identifying their sexual needs- explicitly. No double entendres or coy suggestions here, every song on this list makes its intentions very clear. They are hot, they are direct and they are, in several cases, NSFW – don’t say I didn’t warn you. So here goes another round of sexy music, ensuing hilarity and yet again, some unexpected lessons.
1. Short Dick Man- 20 Fingers feat. Gillette- 1994
I think I may be the only one who remembers this song. So, I know this one is not exactly sex-positive (bodies are awesome there are benefits to everybody’s size) or even about what the singer wants (she is clearly stating what she doesn’t want, ad nauseum) but there is no question that this size queen is being direct. This is not a woman who will be suffering through the delivery of a small package with a fake smile and faker orgasm. I will say this though, if girl would educate herself and her partners about the wonder of proper angling she could have a damn good time with the titular gentleman. Just sayin’
2- Freak Like Me Adina Howard -1995
Now, the previous track was a bit tongue-in-cheek but Adina Howard was 100% serious and at the time this was kind of groundbreaking. At a time when female R&B/Hip-Hop artists frequently dressed in men’s clothing and tried to come off as tough as their male counterparts (to be fair, it was the 90s, for some reason many of us thought giant clothes were a good idea) Howard presented an image that was both feminine and aggressively sexual. So, yeah, about that. I’m not going to lie, this song is totally in my ipod and I love it. My favorite thing about it is that Adina Howard takes the word “freak” and owns the hell out of it. This word is so often a sexual double-edged sword. Usher once said “we want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed” but I worked with late teens for a few years and I constantly saw the “freak” label applied to girls with disdain. Adina doesn’t care what you think. She’s a freak and she wants a man who can keep the hell up. I’m always struck, however, by the moment when she seems to switch from describing what she wants to issuing criticism to someone she may or may not be boning at that very moment. That’s a bit awkward. I’m walking along and all of a sudden I’m thinking “Adina, do you folks want me to leave you alone?” She probably wouldn’t though, girl is freaky 😉
3- Not Tonight – Lil Kim (remix feat. Da Brat, Missy Elliott, Angie Martinez, and Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes)- 1997
I once heard Reid Mihalko (shot!) say in reference to achieving female orgasm “don’t go directly for holes” You know who agrees with that? Lil’ Kim. She’s not putting up with any of your “Tab A into slot B” bullshit. No sir, not tonight. In case that point wasn’t sufficiently clear when she first released this song, she then rounded up a posse of 90s hip-hop lady royalty (and also someone named Angie Martinez) for a remix to make sure everybody knew that if you’re not going down, you’re not going anywhere. This song has it all: a good beat, smooth storytelling, tight rhymes and acknowledgement that most women don’t orgasm from intercourse alone. This may be the best song ever. I did some research and found that many people award that title to John Lennon’s “Imagine”. Now, all due respect to Mr. Lennon but that song doesn’t address the orgasm issue at all. Also you know what would help all the people “live as one”? Clitoral stimulation.
4- Khia – My Neck, My Back – 2002
Be warned this is, in my opinion, the catchiest song on this list. It’s been in my head all day. Yeah, that hasn’t been weird at all, especially not at work… Anyway sometimes I hear women say that they find it hard to offer direction bed, especially if their partner is male, because they don’t want to seem demanding. Khia says “p’shaw!” to that. Girl will tell you what to do. Specifically. 41 times. That’s right 41. Beyond the crazy repetition, I have two other quibbles with this song. #1 is a basic sexual hygiene thing. Khia instructs her paramours to work “from the back to the front”, can we discuss how that is an awesome way to set partners with vaginas up for a UTI in the near future? In order to ensure that bacteria from the anus doesn’t migrate to the vagina or urethra it’s best to work front to back. #2 This woman needs a thesaurus or, you know, an imagination. There are so many great words to describe the anatomy, there’s really no reason to subject us to the same one over and over. 41 times.
“Did someone just call me, like, 41 times?”
5- Rhianna S &M – 2011
Once again the last song hit me with some unexpected deep thought. I was cruising up this one on all ready to make a “Who makes an S & M song and video after being beaten by their lover?” joke but then I got to thinking… “Seriously, what leads one to make an S & M song and video after being beaten by their lover?” This led to a great dialogue with my pal Miss Alice Gray about how the video plays as the response of a young woman who has been a victim first of violence and then of relentless media hounding. In the video we see Rihanna dominating men, being dominated by the press (who, interestingly, are sporting ball gags) but mostly saying “Fuck you!” While all the songs on this list involve women saying “I want” it took this one to make me realize that they are also about women saying “I am”. This is about more than demanding sexual service, it’s about owning their desire, not allowing anyone else to define them and trusting that sexual satisfaction is their birthright. Admit it, you’re impressed that I got from the cat picture to here so quickly.
So, I had a moment where I was looking around for music from different genres to fit this list in order to add a little diversity to it. I thought since R&B/Hip-Hop was well represented I should have two of the songs be from other genres and you know what? I spent a few minutes looking and then thought, the hell with that. It’s noteworthy that I came up with 5 R&B/Hip-Hop songs without much effort (and I actually cut a few from this list) and had to hunt for other genres (without a ton of success). Now I can already hear a girl my age referencing Ani Di Franco or Tori Amos and yes, “Raspberry Swirl” is nice and all but you what else is nice- direct communication. It feels important that Hip-Hop artists seem to be the ones most consistently offering that up. My hat is off to them.
What do you think? Am I way off? Do you have a favorite rock, pop, folk (or any other) song that you think fits the bill? Let me know about it!
In case you were wondering about today’s title: Snu Snu
