Earlier this week while doing the 3 hour drive from the cute boy’s house to mine I was thinking about how I’m becoming something of an expert at that route. Then it struck me how amazing it was that I am so comfortable doing that 3 hour drive by myself (ok, with the dog but he never helps with the driving). Why is this amazing? Well, this time last year I was pretty much terrified of driving. I never was before but I had spent the previous couple of months being told repeatedly that I was a terrible driver and a hazard to myself and all others on the road. That not only were my driving skills lacking but my sense of direction was terrible, my knowledge of road etiquette was atrocious and my understanding of how cars worked was laughable. This message was delivered in ways ranging from mocking to yelling and often paired with “I don’t want to say this but I have to!” because, you know, safety. I had gotten to the point where I was scared to get behind the wheel of a car alone and terrified to do it in front of anyone because, obviously, when they saw how horrible I was they would be appalled.

I tell you that story to tell you this: Last saturday, November 15th, marked one year since I ended a relationship that, at the time I just thought was horrible but I now recognize was actually emotionally abusive.

The driving story paints a small-scale picture of the entire relationship. This time last year I was:

• Afraid to voice an opinion,
• Convinced I was always wrong and hugely flawed,
• Scared that anything I said would be interpreted in a way that my partner found hurtful or insulting and cause him to freak out,
• Beaten down by the constant arguing that would often run late into the night while I begged to be allowed to sleep,
• Angry at constantly being told to “calm down” and being made to feel like I was imagining what was going on
• Frustrated because my partner seemed to be universally accepted as a “nice guy” who had “been through a lot” and I was convinced that leaving this relationship would make me a horrible person (I may have still been holding on to some divorce guilt)
• Fed up because while there were many things I was turning many blind eyes to, one thing I remember thinking very clearly was “Just mathematically speaking, it can’t be possible for one person to be wrong as often as he says I am”.

I was six months into living in Portland, somewhere I had moved across the country to be. Because I entered this relationship almost immediately upon arriving here I felt like I had very few people here who weren’t primarily his friends. I didn’t want to tell my brother (who lives nearby) what was happening because he tends to get crazy protective and I didn’t want to deal with a whole thing between him and my partner (I really didn’t want this to become some drama between them- I was feeling unheard enough as it was) and also, I think I was embarrassed. I was feeling very alone and kind of trapped. Then a couple of things happened all in a short span of time and here they are in no particular order:

• I expressed misgivings to Queeraschino & Epiphora who immediately not only let me know that they saw it too but also threw all sorts of badass support to me in the form of “Yeah, he’s got to go” – When you think it’s all in your head, hearing it from other people can be so helpful.
• Elle had been my sounding board as I worked through the slow process of seeing what was going on and when I realized I wanted out she & Ashley actually offered to drive up from LA to get me. –When you are feeling isolated by your partner it can be extra hard to get out and they knew that.
• Someone in my PDX life reached out to let me know that people understood and no one would judge me if I left. – Guilt & fear were powerful forces in keeping me in that relationship and, as much as I hate to admit it, I needed that permission.
• I spent a week housesitting for my brother a little ways outside of the city – The time alone and the space between me and my partner really cemented it and gave me the strength I needed to walk away.

After two false starts (I would announce, during a late night argument that I was done, the next day my partner would act like nothing had happened) that week on the farm gave me the space and strength I needed to make the actual break. I’m not saying it was easy. Hell, shortly thereafter I ran away to California for a week just because I felt like the best way to make the whole thing stick was to physically not be here. I was lucky enough to have folks to go run to, folks who brought me back to myself. On that trip I got to attend the grand opening of a new Good Vibrations location (it was a total surprise but, what’s more Redhead Bedhead than a Superhero Sex Shop party?!), and a reading at the Center for Sex and Culture (which is an amazing place). I had dinner with some of my sex ed idols, I spent hours getting geeky with Elle (we drove from SF to LA together after all)  and I got to celebrate Thanksgiving at Elle’s house with Ashley and her partner and the wonderful Cathy Vartuli.  After months of feeling like who I am was always in question spending a week bathed in the company of my sex geek family and the people whose work inspires me brought me back to myself. I came out of that trip able to do something I hadn’t felt capable of when I left: Stay strong about ending the relationship while being in the same city as my ex. That trip showed me how much support I have in my sex geek friends and colleagues. It was invaluable.

The process of healing from that relationship has been a long and arduous one but having those people, as well as the man you all know as “the cute boy”, with me has helped immensely. That said, it still sneaks up on me, the self-doubt (I still hate to drive with anyone else in the car, that’s a weird quirk that hasn’t gone away yet), the negative thoughts, the fear of my ex. I told you all when I started this site that I was here to learn and I would share the things I learned with you and I learned a hell of a lot from this experience. I know that when you read a site like this it can be tempting to believe the author is operating on some higher, more enlightened level than you but relationships like the one I was in can happen to anyone. Abuse isn’t always physical and even the non-physical kinds don’t always look like you’d expect – that can make it hard to spot. I know that when you’re in it, even if you suspect something is wrong, it can be so easy to convince yourself (or let your partner convince you) that it isn’t. These two pieces do a good job of outlining some things to look for and can be helpful when it comes to alleviating that “it’s all in my head” feeling:

6 Early Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

15 Signs That You’re In an Emotionally Abusive Relationship (Fun fact: I wrote this one!)

I opened with a story and now I’ll close with one. I told you I ended things with my ex on November 15th 2013. Last weekend, on November 15th 2014 I received a series of messages from someone asking for advice about their own (frankly, similar-sounding) relationship. The response this elicited from me was extremely telling. I spent about 10 minutes convinced that the messages were from my ex who was messing with me (I told you the healing was long and arduous. Edit 2019: In a twist I can only call M. Night Shyamalanian… my instinct here was spot-on. In 2018 my ex blew the cover of the dummy twitter account he was using to follow me with a full-blown twitter tantrum and, out of curiosity, I investigated. This exchange– as well as some other random ones– were with that very account. I didn’t think it was my ex because my recovery process was playing tricks on me, I thought it was him because it was him. I have no words.) and then I told the writer what I will now (a little more elaborately) tell you:

• Love should make you feel like the best version of yourself, you should love the person you are with your partner and you should feel like they think who you are is awesome. You may not always be right, you may screw up but when you see yourself through your partner’s eyes, you should be seeing someone amazing.
• If it’s not a “fuck yeah!” it’s a “no”: If you are having to think a lot about whether you want to be in this relationship, if you have to be convinced that it’s ok, if you have misgivings about it- it’s not a “fuck yeah!” and thus it’s a “no”. I apply this logic to most of my life these days but here it is huge.

The way I responded to the messages is a good example of the residual effects of my relationship- I’m still me, I can still get to the good stuff but these days I sometimes freak out for a bit first- I often don’t trust that people are who they say they are or that they are approaching me for the right reasons. There’s a new lens of fear over everything. It’s something I work hard on as someone whose job involves existing on the internet. Thank you all for being so awesome and not scary.

So, that’s my story folks, I’ve been there. I’ve gotten out and it’s taken me about a year to really accept what was going on there. I know this happens and want you to know that if it is happening to you it’s not your fault, it’s not in your head, you do not deserve it and there is help.

If you are in an abusive relationship and need help, contact The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women.