Fun fact: when I was in college working towards my theatre degree with a concentration in directing one of my favorite professors told us, in the context of “there are lots of ways to have a career as a director, that one of his former students went on to direct feminist porn. This caused some uproar among the dudes I knew at the time, one of whom I can still hear saying “That’s stupid! Porn is about fucking, not marching around with signs!” (because apparently in 2000 the context we had for the word “feminist” was “marching around with signs”?).
Truth be told, at that point, I didn’t really get it either. 21 year-old JoEllen only knew that porn didn’t do it for her even though the men around her insisted it was the hottest thing ever.
Since then I have learned a lot about sexuality and porn and now it’s a lot clearer what was going on there. I have a far better understanding of how desire works, what people who were socialized as women might find attractive versus what people who were socialized as men might enjoy (and I say “might” because we are all different!) So let’s talk about what I learned, about men, women, and responsive desire, and see how ethical porn fits into the picture.
Who is porn made for?
Short answer: usually not me. Long answer: For a long time most of the porn you would find in popular media was aimed at heterosexual men
Short answer: usually not me. Long answer: For a long time most of the porn you would find in popular media was aimed at heterosexual men and thus focused heavily on visual representations of how the bodies of female partners could be used to bring pleasure to men. Conventional wisdom tells us that men get turned on by visual stimuli and so, in the context of heterosexual men making porn for heterosexual men, it makes sense that it would be tons of images of breasts, vaginas, and butts and the pleasure they can bring to men engaging with them. As I am not a heterosexual man, this didn’t really cut it for me.
Let’s talk about responsive desire
Something that I think we need to talk about more, as a society is responsive desire vs spontaneous desire. So spontaneous desire is pretty much what it sounds like: you are going about your business when BAM! You want sex. Responsive desire is, perhaps obviously, more responsive in nature. It takes into account the sights, sounds, smells, etc around us and how they can contribute to our arousal. Now, as lots of folks have a very strong attachment to the idea of sex being something that “comes naturally” we, as a society, tend to treat spontaneous desire as the norm. However in Emily Nagoski’s groundbreaking book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life, it is noted 75 percent of men and 15 percent of women report that they feel primarily spontaneous desire, whereas 30 percent of women and 5 percent of men report that they feel primarily responsive desire.
75 percent of men and 15 percent of women report that they feel primarily spontaneous desire, whereas 30 percent of women and 5 percent of men report that they feel primarily responsive desire
That’s a pretty big difference and one that, for me, made some sense out of what I used to think was my unreasonable need to be stimulated on multiple levels and helped me zero in on the media that could help me get there. In the context of responsive desire, it makes total sense that porn that was designed for the male gaze and often reinforced the idea that my pleasure wasn’t actually important wouldn’t turn me on.
This is how I learned that there was in fact porn that could work for me. It took some trial and error. I started at erotica and sexy images and Tumblr and kept exploring until I found stuff that I loved. Here’s some of my advice for zeroing in on the content that does it for you!
Seek out ethical porn
So what is ethical porn? Well, lots of things. For consumers, a big marker of ethical porn is often that is hot while still emphasizing mutual consent and respect. The performers aren’t forced to do anything on screen they don’t feel comfortable doing. The participants of various genders are all shown enjoying pleasure. It features all participants experiencing actual orgasms rather than focusing deep throating, acrobatic positions, and moment shots. These films can vary in intensity, ranging from soft to hardcore, but they all have one thing in common: a clear respect for all involved. Some ethical porn is considered more female-friendly because it is usually created by women, for women of all sexualities, depicting their fantasies.
Where can you find porn like this?
A terrific source for ethical porn is Bellesa Plus, aka the “Netflix of porn”.
I’m so glad you asked! A terrific source for ethical porn is Bellesa Plus, aka the “Netflix of porn”. Focusing on genuine pleasure, good storylines, and real connection (and not on fake orgasms), Bellesa porn is super hot. There’s tons of stuff to see there, like the top content from 50+ premium porn channels, including Bellesa Originals TV Series and Movies such as Bellesa House (reality porn). From their selection of 100% ethically-sourced porn (unlimited 4K streaming!) and 600+ erotica stories you can pick out the videos, stories, and more that turn you on. Right now, Bellesa is giving everyone a chance to experience what premium porn should be: they’re offering Redhead Bedhead readers a free week of full access to see what it’s all about. How? Just click here – no catch.
Try some different media.
When it comes to content that turns you on, you aren’t limited to video content. You can do what I did and check out some erotica! On Bellesa Plus there’s a huge library of both audio and traditional (ie written word) erotica for you to enjoy.
When it comes to our sex lives, porn can be an amazing tool to get us in the mood, give us fun stuff to try, and inspire super-hot fantasies. What’s amazing about ethical porn, especially for folks who aren’t heterosexual dudes, is that it can also help empower you to explore and enjoy!
This post was sponsored by Bellesa Plus. All opinions are my own.
