Here’s the deal: sex toys should make you feel many things and the Topco Ultrazone U Touch Side definitely did that for me.
A couple of the things it made me feel
Yeah. So…
Starting at the beginning: A week before I got this toy I was in the car with another reviewer who had already tried it. She said “The only thing I will tell you is that you should call me so I can tell you how to turn it on” I scoffed at this suggestion. I have built my own website, fixed my car and operated complicated power tools why would I need to call someone to tell me how to turn on a vibrator?!
Remember I said that later.
So, I got my U Touch Side (Thank you Topco!). Now, the packaging is cool- pretty and substantial and just sexy, it’s a well packaged toy. Also it’s a rechargeable and come with an AC/USB adapter plug, a European adapter and a USB charging cable that attaches magnetically.
One look at this toy and it’s clear where it gets its inspiration from but there are worse things than that. It’s a pretty little vibe designed for g-spot stimulation. The top half of the toy is silicone (I think it has a slight plastic-y smell but it held up decently to a flame test) with a smooth matte finish. The controls here are interesting. They are not buttons but instead four little… touch screens seems like the best word. More on that in a minute. The U Touch side is pretty to look at but I was immediately struck by its odd size. At 3.5 insertable inches, it just seems short for what it’s trying to be. Also, the head on it is pretty fat. Looking up the specs always brings up the 1″ girth of the smallest part of the toy (which we’ll talk more about) but the head is 4 inches around at the biggest point- that seems like something we’d want to be specifying.
Good stuff. So let’s turn it on. Right. About that… Remember, it doesn’t have buttons, it has four things that work like touch screens*, you touch them and stuff happens – in theory. No matter what I did, though, I couldn’t make turning the toy on be the thing that happened. I didn’t call my friend because I decided instead of being told how to turn it on by someone else, I wanted to find out where the product told consumers how to turn it on. There’s no specific manual for the this toy. There is a little, extremely vague booklet that seems to go with the whole U Touch line – it didn’t help. In the end, after some internet hunting I found out that, in small print, on the side of the outer box there are instructions as to how to turn it on.
By this point I was pretty annoyed but I figured it was nothing an orgasm couldn’t fix.
But alas, there was no joy in Bedheadville. The U Touch Side had struck out.
So, first off, if you hand me something that vibrates I will try to use it clitorally first- I just will. So I started there. The U Touch (again, in theory) has 16 speeds and 9 functions – so much possibility! Except I could never tell if I was actually operating the funky touch controls (buttons people, buttons and dials, please!) and was never quite sure if things were changing. Sometimes it seemed to be willfully not changing other times I’d press and we’d change multiple times. Even when I was sure I had changed the speed or setting I was thinking so hard about the experience was more like setting up a stereo than masturbating. Then I went to insert it. So, to allow for the size of the head I had to turn it sideways and then twist it into place. It was then that my fears were confirmed- length-wise it wasn’t long enough. I tried pushing further, which resulted in weird touch controls in my vagina. I tried angling- weird touch controls in my vagina! Thrusting- say it with me now- weird touch controls in my vagina!!! Now, controls in the vagina are never ideal but in the case of weird touch screen controls I was there worrying that my vag was going to start changing the speeds or something. This is not good.
I tried with this thing, really I did but after a couple of incredibly un-erotic minutes I just gave up. The U Touch Side did nothing for me. Then to add insult to injury, taking it out of my body was insanely uncomfortable. The only way this thing could have worked for me is if annoyance orgasms were a thing. They are not.
I would say I like nothing about the U Touch Side but that’s not true- the packaging is fairly awesome. As a toy though, no, just no. Here’s the thing Topco, you have the technology: I’m just saying maybe instead of making eleventy-billion not-great toys you make a couple of awesome ones? Just thinking out loud here.
If the idea of this toy appeals to you but you want something that is, you know, better, here are some toys I recommend you check out: the Gigi, the Mona, the Elise, or the Cuddle.
If your heart is set on this thing (why? I have no idea) I’m not sure what to tell you, I can’t I find anyone who is carrying it.
U Touch Side Specifications:
- Rechargeable, nonporous silicone vibe
- 3.5 insertable inches (8.8 cm) with narrow 1″ girth (2.5 cm) These measurements come from Topco’s site- I haven’t a clue how they got 1″- even at the narrowest point. I’m sitting here with a tape measure and can’t find it. Anyway, the big part of the head (aka the part you need to insert) is, at its largest point, 4 inches around
- 16 speeds and 9 functions of vibration and pulsation
- Touch pad controller
- Includes 110V, 220V and USB compatible magnetic charger
- Phthalate free
This product was provided to me by Topco free of change in exchange for my honest review.
*I had a couple of dates with a guy who loved his Blackberry and bemoaned “America’s love affair with the touch screen” I had no idea what his problem was… until now.
