Since moving to Portland 7 months ago I have made the same observation about online dating several times:
So, I don't hike, camp or "go to shows" According to online dating this means I do nothing… am I just weird?
— JoEllen Notte (@JoEllenNotte) May 3, 2013
I guess it’s not that I full-stop don’t do these things, it’s just that I don’t want to do these things on a date, especially not a first date. Nor do I want to bowl, golf, parasail, jog, sculpt or anything else that you’ve read about in one of those “10 unique date ideas” articles. I really don’t do “activity” dates. Now that I’m sounding kind of lazy, let’s sweeten that pot, shall we? I also don’t want to go see a movie, show, play or sporting event with you – nothing where we sit next to each other and watch something without talking. So, I think we’re seeing why, according to the online dating world, I do nothing.
I will now describe for you my ideal first date:
We sit down with a couple of drinks and talk. A lot.
That’s it.
Well, okay, not it, but on paper that is the event calendar for our date. Why? I’ll get to that in a moment, first however, I’m going to take a moment to tell you about one of the hottest things a man has ever said to me. It came not in the throes of passion, not even in a moment of seduction per se but rather in the midst of an especially enjoyable conversation. It was the kind of conversation that you never want to end and that feels like it actually does have the potential to go on forever because even as the subject changes the feeling stays the same. We were both so engaged, so excited by everything the other was saying. I kept having these moments of being genuinely impressed by this man’s ability to, with so few words, give me a whole new way to see things. This feeling was apparently mutual because at one point on the way to refill our drinks as he passed my chair he leaned in and said
“I want to kiss your mind”
Holy hell were those the right words to say to an unrepentant sapiosexual!
This is why I don’t want to hike with you.
This is why I might come off super-boring when you ask me out.
This is why all I want is to sit across from you (with a drink, please) and talk.
I don’t want to come out of a date knowing what some trail looked like, how some band sounded or whether some new movie sucked- I want to come out of it knowing you. I talk a lot about my introverted nature and my general feelings of “stranger danger” and it makes it sound like I hide from new people as a rule but the truth is I thrive on one-on-one interactions and I go into meeting people looking for real, genuine connection. Earlier this year I talked about the fact that I have first date sex and I think I came out of it sounding a bit blasé, as if the sex was the goal and the people were inconsequential but I only get to the sex when I’ve felt that connection, when my mind has been turned on, when I’ve talked to someone until I couldn’t not kiss them anymore. I talk a lot about the stuff I don’t want to do on a date with you but what I don’t always make clear enough is what I DO want and that is to cut out all that bullshit and see who you really are.
The way I see it, if I’m into you there’s plenty of time later for hiking, movies, LARPing, sculpture, parkour- whatever, but that first night I want to see if the really important part works (No, not sex. I know that’s what you’re all thinking) I want to know if we get each other, I want to know if we intellectually stimulate each other, I want to know that when I geek out about sex or explain the grammar involved in my tattoo I’m not going to lose you. I want to know what you geek out about*, I want to get a glimpse at how you see the world, I want to see how your brain works. I want to know if I want to kiss your mind.
I know it sounds scary so let me put it another way:
I want to have a beer with you.
Better?
*And if you are out with me there’s a 98.73% chance you are extremely geeky about something. #geekfreak
